Who would’ve guessed that I’ve been creating my reality this whole time, every good and bad situation I’ve experienced and the people in them I’ve created based on internalized beliefs located at the core of my being. This sounds a little insane, but beliefs really are what draw things into your life. You may argue that’s bullshit, why would anyone want to hurt themselves? It’s because you do want to hurt yourself, you just don’t know it.
Much of what we think is unconsciously rooted in the belief that we are undeserving of love and happiness, which was picked up from painful experiences as a child that filled you with fear and created an imprint within you that stains almost every waking second of your life. That’s what it was like for me and the craziest part is how could I not have been aware that I’ve been sleep-walking through life?
I see now how the environment would collide with me, setting off chain reactions of all the hurt parts inside me, releasing a barrage of hate that’s too painful to feel so it’s hidden in the depths of my mind, so painful that it stayed repressed in me for 23 long years, this pain would lead to dissociation, constant self-consciousness, and worst of all, it would control my behaviour from how I would drive, eat, and play basketball. How I was living was totally unconscious and left me a shell of who I am, and all because I learned I’m not good enough as I am as a little kid. I only now see what was living inside me.
here’s a little voice recording I managed to take as it was coming out of me just to give you a little taste of what may be lurking inside you. These are my demons being exorcised.
(the whole clip is 22 mins, but it was happening even before I started to record. I’d guess it was probably 40 mins total)
The pain within is self-denial rooted in self-hate. My belief that I’m not good enough caused me to trip myself every time I tried to be me, I’m not lovable as me so if I try to be me the hate would interfere. I wasn’t even capable of smooth functioning because of this interference, the parts of myself that believed I was lazy, dumb, weak, etc., would take over and cause me to repeatedly create the same situations that would highlight one or more of my weaknesses. Every time I sat down to write I’d get stuck, barely having written a sentence or two, then I’d procrastinate and not do anything even though I felt intolerably bored.
With the people in my life I’d recreate what I believed about myself as well so that I could discover what, for lack of better words, the universe wanted me to see. All the pain is unconsciously created because you want to heal these wounds, but to do so you have to recreate the dynamics of how you were initially wounded. Which hopefully if you inquire deep enough you can see that you are perfect. You deserve love and with this realization, you can effortlessly be you. You will no longer create the situations that once made you suffer, the parts of you that believed you don’t deserve to be happy, you aren’t good enough, will be gone and will no longer interfere with you. You are the only obstacle.