Every time I would smoke weed my anxiety would shoot through the roof, my heart rate would be easily over 100, usually around 115-120 bpm and I’d be left incapacitated on the couch filling myself with food until my stomach would hurt and I could barely breathe, I hated weed and how I felt after, yet for some goddamn reason, I would still smoke way more weed than I should’ve. I thought it was the weed that made me that way. I was wrong, so fucking wrong. This whole time it was showing me how I felt beneath the surface, how I felt about myself.
I knew I hated how I felt after binge eating, at one point I ate so much I believe I tore my stomach, it was sore for a few days and would cause me discomfort when I ate even a bit, but why the fuck would I keep doing this to myself? It was like I had no control, my mind and body would get hijacked by these impulses, resulting in me comatose at the end of the night trying to fall asleep barely able to breathe like a fat ass.
My relationship with weed has taken a complete 360, and the reason why has blown my mind. MDMA is why. I took it twice and fell in love with myself, and realized I’m not a lazy, dumb, weak, fat, loser, but in fact quite the opposite I’m quite fucking amazing, smart, sexy, athletic, strong, and the list goes on. After cleansing the sewage of self-hate within, I wanted to smoke some weed, although I was scared I would fall into the same destructive loop as before since I believed it was the weeds doing, but I didn’t. I was shocked… those past urges weren’t even present. I didn’t have to resist myself not even a tiny bit it was all just gone. I was totally fine, my heart rate was normal, not self-conscious whatsoever, no desire to do what I used to when I was high. This made me ecstatic and I realized that weed is actually a very pleasant substance. It’s also something very important.
Weed amplifies how you actually feel about yourself, if you smoke weed and it’s anything other than zen (feels like the later hours of an LSD trip now), there’s hate within you and you need to cleanse it with love. I don’t desire to smoke weed like I used to, but I will definitely be using it once in a while to check in on myself and see how I’m actually feeling. I can’t believe I don’t hate weed, I just hated myself. I also can’t believe I would hate on people defending weed as a helpful tool, it actually is, although I’d still bet most people don’t use it that way.