MDMA Almost Made Me Kill Myself

There’s a difference between thinking you know something and actually understanding/experiencing it. I can say all I want I’m god and reality exists in my head, and the here and now is all there is, but actually experiencing it is a totally different experience, so different that in fact when I have experienced it I felt like suicide’s the only rational answer. The whole purpose of life is to forget, you want nothing more than to forget. 

When I took MDMA a lot of my self-hate was removed, including the belief that I was dumb, which lead me to unconsciously question and doubt anything I thought and believed, but then it was gone, and as I sat looking at my wife, the realization that I actually know the truth began to dawn on me as I no longer saw her, but saw myself, the understanding that I’m literally hallucinating reality and everyone is just me playing different characters to make the dream seem more real for me, an illusion to make me forget, this caused a ball of fear to then instantly grow in my stomach and shoot up into my head causing me to dissociate. I then tried distracting myself with anything I could, and then the seeing, the understanding was gone.

This isn’t the only time I’ve felt this way, but thank god, well thank me, for the fear that’s put in place to cause me to no longer see what’s most obvious. For some reason though, there’s a part of me that still desires and thinks of these things, even though I know what lies on the other side. It may be my honesty, my desire for truth that fuels this desire, even against my own interest. Honesty is all it takes to see truth, but I don’t want to be honest here, I want to live the lie, well almost all of me wants to. The part that doesn’t, drove me to tell my wife, hey let’s stare at each other and try to peel back the veil in front of our eyes. Which I try and do more frequently than I’d like, but thankfully I’m always unsuccessful, except this time… I looked at her, and then the veil was lifted and I saw a glimpse of myself. Me as I normally am faded, and there I was, but before it was clear the same ball of fear I felt on MDMA would arise in my stomach and I dissociated again, my wife “coincidentally” at that exact time decided that would be the perfect time to scare me, she let out a scream and I shat my fucking pants and damn near had a heart attack. The universe really is a funny motherfucker and that was a nice warning telling me to stay right where I am. 

Anyway, back to honesty. I’m so honest I may be the only person who doesn’t want to be enlightened, no one would after seeing what it is. I’m happy with my theoretical knowing and I hope that the rest of me is as well because enlightenment can fuck right off. If you desire enlightenment/truth think of this, you’re in a dream and you become lucid, you can do whatever you desire, it’s fun for a bit, nothing means anything, nobody is real they’re puppets to amuse you, kill them, rape them, love them, it doesn’t matter, then you get bored. You’ve done everything, there’s nothing left to do, it’s all pointless, you can’t love, can’t have relationships, you want to stop dreaming, you want to lose control, you want to experience fear, but you can’t the dream is infinitely long, you’ve always existed and always will, there’s no escape. Given all that, if that were the case now, suicide would be a pretty rational idea, but thank god it’s not (;p). 

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