How Can You Go On?

I started university in 2016 and studied computer science for 2 years before dropping out, I couldn’t take it, I was lost and confused unsure of what I wanted to do. On top of that in the summer after my first year, I realized I was no longer religious, all the guilt that religion caused me made me start to introspect, I’d ask why I felt this way and if I deserved to, turns out religion didn’t make much sense and so that summer for the first time in my life I didn’t pray. I’d pray 5 times a day for about 8 years at that point, it was hard and I would try and make up some of the prayers I missed, but eventually stopped. I was no longer religious, here are some texts from the time. 

Agnostic, lost, and confused I started my second year of university, I couldn’t keep up with the work and ended up depressed at the end of my first year. I started reading self-help, philosophy, psychology, science books at first trying to better myself, but later I was trying to make sense of the world and who I was. At first, I came to materialistic and atheistic conclusions, no god, just the universe, when you die that’s it, science this and science that. I’d primarily look at human behaviour through an evolutionary psychology lens, we are the way we are due to it being best for survival. 

A few months later I’d end up in college, studying fashion. I was doing a little better at the time but again ended up in the same cycle of suicidal contemplation which lead me to drop out, I’d now be a two-time school dropout, beat that Bill Gates and Zuckerberg (still waiting on the billion dollars to come though). 

At the time I’d start to read books of a more spiritual nature that would talk of ego, consciousness, and enlightenment. I’d also be exploring consciousness with psychedelics, which pulled me back to the spiritual side. I ended up in the middle of the spectrum, I’d jokingly refer to myself as a hippie scientist as a term of endearment, still, it wasn’t enough. Love and god and all are one, as beautiful as it sounded still didn’t fill the hole inside me, and then I hit truth. The horrifying nature of truth and my worldview collapsed, but for once in my life the world made sense, I made sense, and I would come to peace with the world, I started looking at the world with this new frame looking at things I once saw and seeing them for what they are, seeing how things actually work. There was one thing that I didn’t see yet though, which is how beliefs and fear are all I am, I’ve cut through a lot of the fear which has led to a peaceful effortless existence, but the downside is, I see that if the rest are removed, I’d no longer exist, I’d be a dead man walking, abiding in nothingness, but that’s something I want to ignore.

Anyway, I feel as if my life has only started now, this is what I’ve been searching for all my life. Everything I’ve been through that seemed so painful at the time were the doorways I walked through to peel back the layers of my mind, each scenario in reality, was a projection of my mind, my pain being relived over and over, prisons of my own making, implanted in my head when I was younger and glued to my heart with strings of fear that would tug and pull me dictating my behaviour and how I lived, all while I slept and didn’t take a look at what’s in front of me, what’s been in front of me this whole time. Life is a series of acid thought loops on a far larger and slower time frame, making it harder to see the loops. Life is a string of loops playing out in your mind. What if you cut out all loops, like if you lived alone in a cabin deep in the woods, how would things change?

The painful loops in my life guided me towards freedom and peace, effortless living. It’s so easy to be me and I still can’t believe how good my 3 point shot in basketball has gotten, literally insane, nuts, bonkers. Anyway, this path I’ve taken has been a wild ride, a crazy adventure in consciousness, and I’m so happy to know that life isn’t meant to be painful, it’s meant to be fun, and the answer is within the whole time. How could I ever have been lost from myself? It’s the one thing you can’t lose, but you can go numb to it. Turn on, tune in, drop out. 

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