Mutual Suicide: My Wife and I

My wife and I have been together for a little over 3 years now, I was driving earlier today when the cold snowy weather brought to mind memories of how we used to spend nights like these in the trunk of a car, cuddled up with a blanket on top of us and pillows beneath our heads, making sure we stayed underneath the blanket and encompassed by our body heat otherwise we’d be freeze. Our heat would also condense on the windows, combined with the cold it left a blanket of frost on them, requiring us to put on the fan for 10 mins so they defrost before we could go home. We met in October of 2018 and soon after our trunk nights began, continuing for over a year and a half later, despite the conditions we were in we couldn’t get enough of each other, multiple times a week I’d drive over to her so we could hang out, watch tv shows, talk, and cuddle, there’d rarely a week go by in which I didn’t at least see her 2-3 times, but most times I’d see her at least 4 days a week. We even spent holidays in the trunk together. In 2019 on New Year’s Eve, we accidentally fell asleep at 11 pm due to all the food she brought from home, a bottle of champagne, and edibles. We woke up at 1 am and then ordered more food to the trunk of the car in a school’s parking lot on New Year’s Day. 

Our situation has greatly improved now, she just comes over to my place. I think I may be the only man married while we both still live at home, we have a crazy love story. The funniest thing about our relationship though is how many times we’ve broken up early on, on the outside everything about us seemed toxic. I even thought we were total opposites, she was a basic bitch caught up in her looks who’d spend weekends at the club, too scared to face herself and see how insecure and scared she is. I was the smart one, logical and self-aware, seeing through the deceptions of ego. Yet I was exactly the same as her, I hid behind my mind and dissociated from my feelings, the same way she would. We were exactly the same on the inside, we were hurt the same way, we both felt dumb, ugly, weak, etc., we just coped in opposite ways., I’d overcompensate for feeling dumb with trying to be smart, she’d do the opposite by being dumber than she is, I then did what my dad did to my mom and unconsciously made her feel stupid. I believed she was stupid, not realizing at the time what was going on. 

This caused us to break up more often than we’d like to admit. I felt like an idiot each time we’d make up. I was always too scared to break up with her, so she’d bring it up. I didn’t want to give an answer because I wanted her to break up with me, so I didn’t have to. When really it’s because if I broke up with her, I was scared that if I wanted her back she’d say no, but if she ended things I could at least try and talk to her. What’s insane is I honestly have no clue how we’d end up back together each time, it wouldn’t take long either 2-3 days and maybe once it was a month as friends. Every time I’d come to her and every time it’d play out in the same fashion. Time would it felt like there was nothing to do, nothing I could do, but I’d ignore it and hold in my feelings, until I’d start thinking about her, saying things like she’s the total opposite of me, this is better off, I can find a better lady, up until a feeling I couldn’t resist deep within me would take over. Right away I’d be off to her. The only way to describe that urge is as something beyond me, a powerful force, that would drive me towards her again to make things right. I can honestly say now life doesn’t begin without her (and my best friend, but that story’s for another time). Thinking of her fills me with warmth, she is everything I’d ever want in a partner and all she has to do is be herself, all I have to do is be myself. 

Our relationship was a spiritual journey, we were the mirror that reflected our inner worlds back at ourselves, without the repeated cycles of pain, we wouldn’t have been able to wash away our sins, the egos which blinded us. Layer by layer we tore away pieces of ourselves, shedding off our skin with razor blades to find ourselves, to know who we are, turns out we were exactly the same on the inside. We were drawn to each other by that similarity, it’s what subconsciously forced us together, she was so familiar to my inner being and vice-versa, it created a powerful magnetic attraction between us, that made us inseparable, against our ego’s desire, she would say the same things, she didn’t want me, our mind would say no, but our inner being would say no choice. It’s what we needed to heal, to show us the way, whether we liked it or not. And of course, the ego would resist, as it turns out the demons within are actually you, and you’re what needs to die. 

The spiritual journey is a path of pain, each step requiring you to mutilate a piece of yourself. I see clearly now what our relationship was, I understand why things were the way they were, and that they couldn’t be otherwise, in hindsight I wouldn’t want them to be, every past pain taught me something, pain forged and raised me. This was a mutual suicide.

My wife and I are just as inseparable as we were early on like peas in a pod or two puzzle pieces we slide right into each other, and not only metaphorically. I’ve fallen more in love with her as time has gone on, each day loving her more than the previous, in turn loving myself and the world more. If I were asked why I love my wife, I only have one reason, herself. Just being who she is, I love her at her most naked. 

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