Imagine waking up one day and realizing you’re god. You’d be able to do anything you imagined in an instant. You could travel through the multiverse and fight dragons, shoot fireballs out your ass at people, jump off buildings, nuke entire planets, have crazy orgies with alien beings, you get the gist. This would be absolutely amazing at first, but eventually it would get boring. I’m not sure how long it would take since I’ve never done it (at least not that I’m conscious of), but with infinite time on your hands, you will get bored at one point. This begs the question, then what? You’d want to suffer and forget. You’d want to lose your powers and be mortal, but obviously as god you can never not be god, you can forget you are though. This brings us to the world of suffering we exist in now, with our *wink wink* “finite lives” we don’t have everything we want, we can’t do everything we want, but that’s exactly what we want!
Now that God stuff isn’t all that important, it’s provable that reality is a dream and you’re god, but I’ll leave that to Alan Watts to talk more about. What’s important is that it implies deep within, you actually get off on suffering and pain, welcome to the realm of your shadow. The book existential kink discusses this at length if you want to read more about this. The main idea is that just how in kinky sex you enjoy being hurt/hurting others, being weak, humiliated, shit on, and whatever else freaks are into, me being a freak myself, you enjoy the same in life as well. Which got me thinking, and thinking, and getting erect as I thought and then laughing as I thought some more, realizing how have I not seen this before, fuck.
I was examining my life situation: (fist) fights with my wife, work, money, and much more, looking where and in what ways I hurt. Did I feel weak? Did I feel degraded? Out of control? Through this new lens, I saw how my unconscious created these kinky scenarios in real life because it enjoys them, but my ego (conscious) ignorantly viewed them as bad and as if it has no control over the problems, which is another thing my unconscious loves. I love giving up control. In situations where I felt like I couldn’t stop myself like binge eating and procrastination, I turned out to secretly love. This was deeply freeing. I saw the tremendous power I actually hold. I have everything I want and I create everything I want, I just didn’t know it, at least not consciously. I’d repress it due to my conscious mind denying these forbidden pleasures, since being weak and dumb means I’m unlovable, but now I can love myself wholly and as Carolyn Elliot, the author, wrote I can “get off on every stroke of life”.
Existential kink argues, when you accept your shadow and realize that you want the pain and you accept plus love it, you grow in power. No longer are you at whim to forces beyond yourself, crying and complaining about your suffering, you see that you create it and enjoy it, even if you’re not aware. This heightened awareness of how you create reality leads to a greater sense of control and power. You create what you want. There’s no power outside of you. You make the choices and you attract what you desire. In my situation, I attract situations that leave me degraded, powerless, and out of control. All those times in my life I’ve suffered due to those feelings there were unconscious parts of myself revelling and taking pleasure in my weak and powerless moments, while my conscious mind would cry wah wah, when instead it could’ve joined the party delighting in the pain I love, getting off on every stroke of life. I now delight in every experience I have good and bad, who would’ve thought the path to freedom would be forged by accepting the kinky nature of life and god. It all makes sense though, and the positive sensations I feel are an indication that my shadow is being seen. My eyes have opened to the pleasure that’s been in front of me my whole life just waiting to be felt.